Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
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Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
3% human
97% stress
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.