* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
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My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.