Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
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If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
A bold strategy
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
They say women only use 10% of their anger
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history