I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
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Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No