I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
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I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”