bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
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It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
i could never be president. im overqualified.
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
*me flirting
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.