Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
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Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
All is fair in drunk and war.
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Smooooooth
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.