*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
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You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.