Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
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You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Think I pulled my liver
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
A farmer asked his neighbor
“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”
“Castor oil”
The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”“Killed mine too”
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD