Every haunted house movie:
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“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
what the hell pray for carter everyone
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me