If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
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[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.