the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
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I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”