9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
You Might Also Like
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.