If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
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Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
reduce, reuse, recycle
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…