My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
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me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.