I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
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If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
This is the coolest video you will see today.
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*