They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
You Might Also Like
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
😆this is so true
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.