i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
You Might Also Like
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
Not all heroes wear capes…
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers