One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
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Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works