How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
You Might Also Like
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers