I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
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The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Bloody internet 😳
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children