I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
You Might Also Like
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.