My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
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I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
😂😂😂
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Its true…
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
we did it you guys we saved daylight
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish