Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
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You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
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My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?