yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
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What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.