I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
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I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”