*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
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A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”