Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
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The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Hopefully, on paid administrative leave.
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂