when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
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There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
Aaaa…CHOO!
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too