My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
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Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
That’s incredible! 👌
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”