If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
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👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁