*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
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I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
If you need a laugh.. 😅
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all