If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
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[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
There is no try. There is only give up.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward