When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
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From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
LMAO.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
How to make infinite energy.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?