Jogging
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Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.