Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
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The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
💁🏻♂️
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught