Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
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I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
monday
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you