Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
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Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Nose
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me