Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
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Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.