Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
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I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again