Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
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Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
japanese corn
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
Never forget.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.