My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
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Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
The two types of wives
Hot Panini is in big trouble
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.