I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
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Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
What do you hear?