Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
You Might Also Like
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now