When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
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host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
This rocks
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…