Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
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Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it