I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
You Might Also Like
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?