Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
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Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Coffee for people with no kids
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.