I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
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Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
Support your local cemetery
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.