If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
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Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
good work, detective
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.